The Lord God Made It All

My brother wrote an excellent and humerous study on the Rubik’s Cube.  Click the link below.

http://familybuildingworkshop.com/Matthew/2010/03/10/a-shocking-history/

I don’t remember when I compiled these, but I found my collection of one-liners whilst looking for something else entirely.  I thought it would be fun to share them.  Enjoy!

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don’t tell all you know.

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

Time is just nature’s way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Ham and Eggs - A day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

We have enough youth: how about a fountain of “smart”?

Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals.”

Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Corduroy pillows - they’re making headlines!

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Karaoke is Japanese for “tone deaf”.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day.

If life gives you peanuts, make peanut butter.

Don’t believe everything you think.

Stable relationships are for horses

I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

If you can read this, I’ve lost the trailer!

If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Above all else, sky.

I fish, therefore I lie.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Worry. God knows all about you.

I drive the speed limit. If you don’t like it, call a cop!

What can I say?

Waiting for ice cream….